Be The Leading Lady in Your Life

Somehow, I feel as if I’m stuck in the best friend role in the movie of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I have a good life. I have a happy home with my puppy and my boyfriend, I have some damn good friends. But there is something missing.

I have this innate instinct to please others, to make everyone else happy. ALL THE TIME. Even people who could care less where my feelings stand. Sometimes, I’m just not even sure where my feelings start, and others end. It happens so much I don’t even realize what I’m doing. I get caught up in situations because I’m being the good guy, I’m seeing things from everyone’s point of view.

I think I have lived my whole life scared to hurt someone else’s feelings. Putting people I don’t even know ahead of myself. Forgetting that I have feelings that mean something, forgetting that I matter as well.

I’ve somehow always managed to surround myself by very strong, bold personalities. I let them take charge of most decisions, while I sat back and went with the flow.

Why do we allow this to happen to ourselves? Why do we think how other people feel is more important? Why do we let those with dominant and more assertive personalities control our lives?

But it is time I take back control of my own life. I need to live my life from my own point of view. I can’t let other people make decisions for me. I can’t feel bad if I like someone that others don’t, and if I don’t like someone who everyone else loves. I don’t need to hide any part of me just because it is different. I can’t live to serve anyone else. I have to make myself happy, because clearly, no one else will make it a priority.



The topic of friendship has been on my mind lately…It’s an interesting concept. The people you consider your friends don’t always consider you theirs.

I consider myself a good friend. I’m loyal. I’m always there if someone needs to talk. I try my best to not judge, to see the good in every situation. I’m supportive, but honest. Don’t get me wrong, we all have our flaws. I am far from perfect. But loyalty is one thing I stand by.

The sad reality is that this same loyalty isn’t as often reciprocated. People will throw away friendships for someone new at the drop of a hat. It’s quite sad, really. You can care about someone but friendship is a two way street. I can’t be the only one putting in effort. I can’t be the only one confiding. It’s not fair. That’s a toxic friendship and it isn’t okay.

It hurts to realize that someone you put effort in to keep in your life just doesn’t view you the same way. But it also is freeing. Why keep trying for people who don’t give a shit when you can put all of that effort into other loyal, supportive, wonderful people?!

There are way too many human beings in this world who would make you a priority, to keep trying with someone who views you as an option.

Be the light

This is something I am really struggling with right now. It is my nature to be understanding, supportive, encouraging. I always see the good in everyone, in the worst of people and the best of people. And I have fell short of this in the past few weeks. I’m stuck in this negative rut that I can’t get out of. I love that I am almost always so positive in the most impossible situations.

Being surrounded by negative energy drains me. It drags me down into someone I don’t always recognize. I try so hard to be the light, to keep the positive energy afloat around me. I keep positive so that everyone around me can feel as if everything is all okay. It’s not on purpose, or something I actively try to do. It is who I am, it is ingrained in my being. I try to be the accommodating person that anyone knows they can come to for anything. But I can’t always be that person… Sometimes I fail. And that’s okay. I am only human, right?

Do you ever feel that you have to be a certain way for everyone else? That you have to be this way so that everyone else’s day can go okay? I feel that most of my days. I can’t help but want everyone around me to be happy, and if they aren’t happy, I feel as if I have failed them. As if it is my responsibility to make sure every living being is content. I am crazy right???? Anyway, I am not sure if I’m even still on the same topic I started out writing about..

I just need to find the light within myself again. The only thing that drives out negativity is positive energy. LOVE. KINDNESS. GOODNESS. Be the light… and all that other good shit.

Quick Thoughts

If everyone treated people the way they’re treated. If everyone waited for someone else to contact them first. If no one ever made the first move or put their ego aside. What kind of world would that be? Why is everything “an eye for an eye” these days? Why is making an effort looked down upon these days? Why not be the one who is a bigger person? Be the one who tries.

Why I Write

Since 2011, October 20th has been used for writers to use the hashtag #WhyIWrite.

Writing is my passion. It also terrifies me because it teaches me about life, myself, and others around me. It makes me realize aspects of my life I never even considered. It helps me to understand why I am the way I am. It makes things make sense in this world. It will take me to lands and places I previously never even dreamed of. It puts cold, hard facts in front of my face with no way out, except to finally accept these truths. Writing eases my soul, eases my pain. Writing is who I am. Whether I share it with the public or keep it personal. Whether I go months without writing a single thing down because I’m scared of where it will take me or I continually write nonstop for days.

Put Yourself First

One of my biggest flaws is understanding too much of the other side, and not enough of my own. I don’t allow myself to fully feel, without thinking about how the other person feels. I back myself into a corner so that I am unaware of how to ask for what I want, and what I need. I’m always worrying about making everyone else happy, and I think that this does, in turn, make me happy as well. As long as everyone else is good, then I’m fine.

But lately, I’m realizing how not true this is. I need to focus on myself and my own well-being. I need to put myself first, without worrying how it affects anyone. To be honest, how many people really put me first? 9 times out of 10, people choose themselves. So now it’s my turn to choose me. When I feel a certain way, I need to stop thinking it’s crazy, or I’m asking for too much from people I care about. Why should we be accepting of shitty, toxic actions from people who claim to be a friend, a significant other, and/or family? If I don’t have high standards for how people treat me, who will treat me well? If I don’t put my feelings first, who else will? At this age, we don’t have time to worry about people who don’t know how to act right.

“It’s Not Always About You”

Why do we allow our own personal opinions to be held in higher esteem than anyone else’s? We feel strongly about certain situations and decisions and expect everyone else to feel the same way we do, and make the same choices we would. We make our own mistakes, and expect to be given lee-way when we mess up, because, of course, we’re only human. Yet, somehow, we can’t extend that freedom to anyone else.

For example, you know how it is with our friends. We might not approve of their relationship choices. We might be downright negative about it. I know this first hand. I always tell my friends that it is their choice, it is their life. Yet, in some situations, it can be extremely hard to accept sometimes. Maybe he hurt my friend in the past, but who am I to tell her he can’t change? I’m letting my own judgment of the situation cloud being a good and supportive friend. And I think, we all do this. I’ve had friends do it to me, and I know it hurt deeply. It means the world to me when my friends support my my friendships, my decisions, my relationships. I need to fully, 100% do the same for them. When it comes to your own life, why should ANYONE else have opinions that are held higher than your own?

It’s something we struggle with. It’s easy to feel as if we know best. But do we really? Unless you are the one in the exact predicament, how can we ever know for sure?

We need to give others the same respect we think we deserve. We need to allow others to live for themselves, to make their own mistakes. We need to let our friends make their own choices. We need to support them, whether or not we really want to. We have to let their opinions and choices come first. After all, it is their life to live. We have our own to worry about,

At some point, we have to come to the conclusion that not everything is up to us. ‘Not everything needs our judgment and approval. We need to put aside our own feelings, and remember “it is not always about you.” All we can do is support each other and be there through good and bad.


Everything occurring in Baltimore the past few days have kept me extremely conflicted, and extremely disheartened. I can’t stop watching the news, and reading updates online about up to date stories. I keep thinking of all of the different perspectives and try to put them all into one little box that makes sense to me.

I can’t begin to fathom what it’s like to be any other color than white. What it’s like to be raised in the inner city, in a terrible area with no resources. I don’t know what it’s like to see violence and inequality from day one of my life. I know nothing of this life.

I know the feelings of fear running through the majority of the Baltimore suburbs (and me) has been terrifying, to say the least. I know watching the news and witnessing a city that you love falling apart was heartbreaking. I know how much I wanted to cry at the violence and horror of yesterday.

And yet, here I sit today, and I try to put it into perspective and think, that fear I’m feeling, people feel EVERY DAY of their lives.

I don’t agree with the looters and the rioters. I think it’s disgusting. I think it makes no sense to burn down a city that you live in. I don’t understand the point of looting in any way; shape or form. And I don’t understand violence. I was appalled and saddened. I still am. It’s a disheartening feeling. It’s terrifying to see the National Guard, and thousands of police border your city.

At the same time, what does it feel like to have a voice that can’t be heard? That you feel rioting and protesting is the only way to get change? What does it feel like to look at all police as an evil entity? Whereas to me, seeing the police downtown admist the mess was a sigh of relief.

I have no clue. I probably never will. My struggles are minor. I’m just a sheltered white girl, and I admit that. I hope everything that is going on will teach me about life. I hope it will teach everyone about life, and help us all to move past the screwed up culture we are in.

I know Baltimore can rise above this. I saw it today. Peacefully protesting. Young kids giving cops a bottle of water. The efforts of many to clean up the littered streets. It’s time for us all to treat each other and the city equally, and come together for positive change. I can only hope we saw the worst part. I can only pray this will make for a better Baltimore. A more unified Baltimore. Baltimore, we are better than this!

Too Much

Why do we hold ourselves back in fear of making someone else uncomfortable? In every aspect of our lives, we will stifle a piece of our personality to make others feel adequate. It’s not our responsibility to tone who we are down to make others feel good about themselves

We’re too much. Too loud. Too creative. Too much fun. Too crazy, and weird. Too intelligent, too successful.

Since when is this a bad thing? Every single of those things is fantastic. And yet, someone out there has made us feel that it’s annoying and irritating. Or that it’s not fair to share that with the world. You might make another person feel bad about themselves that they don’t hold the same qualities.

Or a man will feel inferior that a woman can be so many great things. And to make him feel like she won’t leave, he slowly burns out her brightness.

We hide pieces of ourselves away to appease someone else. So much, in fact, that we sometimes tend to forget about those pieces. We forget who we really are, we become a shell of our true self.
It’s time to learn how to embrace ourselves. Every piece of us. Every little bit of greatness, and every bit of failure. That’s what makes us who we are. We should feel free to share ourselves with the world without worrying what others will think or feel.